its different now. ive looked back a couple of times before this entry and ive realized that nothing seems to be the way it was before. almost everything changed and before i knew it, the world i thought i left behind was already catching up with me.

ive always wanted to be one step ahead, its my defense mechanism. ive always believed that by doing so, i could save myself from all the pain that i might endure if i "stick around". but the funny thing is, when i stepped forward, everyone else did. so technically, im still on the same ground.  but for a brief moment i thought i escaped the inevitable and that is to face the reality of life, may it be good or bad. this time, i can't run away from it, at least not like the way i used to. i can no longer hide from the fact that the things i thought would never change are slowly...changing...before my very eyes.

one time big time and i are good friends. "best friends" pa nga according to him. i think thats his way of assuring himself that i will always be on his side and i will never tell any of his "girls" about what he's been up to. well, he doesn't need to worry about that, i have more important things to attend to and i am not the type who gossips. but what im really confused about lately is that i think he's gone public with/about his "girlfriend-girlfriend". ("gf-gf" refers to his real girlfriend not to the "on the side" ones.) i was shocked when i saw his friendster account the other day. he is acctually using the picture of him and his "gf-gf" as his icon??? i never thought he could be that brave. ive always seen him as this sly dawg who would never admit to anyone that he has a girlfriend. but lowe and behold, his account is now screaming "in a relationship"! he must be so scared now coz someone might see it and his chances with other women would be reduced to zero. but i have to give the guy some credit coz i honestly never saw this one coming. bravo! what sucks about it most is knowing that i was once fooled, and i was stupid enough to believe his lies. why didnt i listen to my friends? why didn't i listen to those who knew him better than i did? come to think of it, everything that happened to me was my fault. i was the biggest dummy in this whole damn story, and one time big time and gis "gf-gf" were the puppet masters. but im over it now. i just hate remembering how it felt, the first time i got played. but on the lighter side of things, i gained experience and a really good friend. at least i got to lnow him better and this time im not the one being fooled. too bad for his "gf-gf", she has no idea what her boyfriend's been doing whenever she's not around...or does she?

my forever turned out to be 4 years of waiting and a few months of bliss. i never thought it would end up that way...i never thought it would end. but i guess this is how it should be...things happen for a reason and what might not seem right for the moment would eventually turn out to be the perfect solution. maybe time changed the way i saw him. 4 years is quite the wait and i felt so bad for doing what i thought was right for the both of us. i value him so much that i would never dream of hurting him, but i know i did. if he hates me because of that, i deserve it and i would accept it. he knows me best, better than anyone in my lifetime, and that to me is more important than any other feeling and i would never trade our friendship for anything in this world. i could assure you that things have worked themselves out already. he is happy. he has found someone who genuinely cares for him and loves him with all her heart. how did i find out? i was snooping around and it just hit me! funny, coz i never saw this one coming either. is it just me or have i lost my sixth sense? or maybe i was just a too pre occupied with other "stuff". im really glad for them. (its weird, but that is the only thing i can say about the whole thing. i dont know why.) but really, i am glad!

i lost a friend before the year ended. she didn't die or anything (coz the first line made it sound as if she did), she just erased herself from my "friend list". who am i to stop someone like her? i am but a speck of dust compared to her presence. her excellency said, and i quote "who said i wanted you in my 2005 anyway!" (bursting in rage i presume, like she always does whenever she talks to me) wish granted! after that hindi na ako EVER nagparamdam. i have never felt so unwanted in my entire life! the saddest part of it all was that she was the one who said those hurtful words, i never expected this to happen...but im glad it did. i had the chance to free myself...what more could i say? it was the most liberating experience, and i felt so fulfilled after that. i cried, of course, hindi ako manhid! pero i realized that it was probably for the best. i escaped. the thing is, now she wants us to be friends again. she said she was sorry for being such an ass (indeed she was!!!). but why do i feel as if i don't want to be friends with her anymore? im not being stubborn, im just being real. i never thought i would develop a phobia towards someone. i think it was caused by the trauma inflicted upon me by that iron fist (figuratively speaking and also literaly). if ever she gets to read this, im sorry but im not "ok". i cant act as if nothing happened. i cant just forget everything that you said. i cant be that person i used to be, the one that would forgive you blindly. i refuse to lie to myself and so i shall do the same to you. i dont think you need me to be your friend anyway. you have tons of friends willing to risk their life and limb just for you. i dont want to go back to that. im sorry, but ive realized that you will never appreciate me and respect me the way you do to other people. if i cant get your respect, then there is no point in your so called "friendship".

same ground. im back to where i started. maybe i never even left. all the things i thought i could handle is now ripping me to pieces. the mere memory of these events, those that passed and left a bruise, is slowly digging its way towards my consciousness. its torture. i ran away from it remember? so that i didn't have to face it. i didnt have to look at the mess ive created for myself. but now...im stuck.